When I woke up after five hours of surgery, my life had changed completely. I had known it would, but I hadn’t realized it would be so difficult. I felt worse than I had expected. This wasn’t just any old surgery. I had had a craniotomy. A portion of my skull had been removed and replaced, allowing my brain tumor to be removed in the process. I now have a plate on my skull as extra protection. For more of my story follow this link: https://growingoldereveryday.com/protect-your-hearing-before-its-too-late/
In reality, my life hadn’t changed completely, only small parts of it. I remained married with two children and four grandchildren. The rest of my family remained intact. We still lived in our same home, with our same neighbors. Only a small part of my life had changed, but it has felt huge, as I am living through it. Now, at eight weeks post-surgery, I wonder if I will ever go back to what I knew as normal a few months ago.
What was normal?
Back then I had reduced hearing in my left ear. I had a bit of sagging in my face by my left eye and mouth. What I had not expected to change was my ability to stand up and close my eyes without feeling like I would fall over. I daily live with balance issues. Now the noises around me bother me and make me want to go back home where it is quiet. It is hard for me to describe, but it is a struggle to do simple things like to go to Target or Panera Bread, because of the noise and my hearing limitations. And my independence has been crushed because I cannot drive and must depend on my husband or others, to go anywhere.
My sister had been concerned that I might have a change in personality. Because of that, I had told her pre-surgery that I was considering getting a tattoo. I am not a tattoo person and I was afraid she would freak out. I have since realized I don’t really want one. My sister has told me that my personality has not changed. That’s a plus.
The journey since then.
Fortunately, I improved every day, at least for the first week or two. After that, my improvement has been slow, but steady. In my retirement, which I was not planning to come so soon, I had planned to continue to read books, make quilts, keep up my blog and travel. I also want to start riding my bicycle. Giving some of this up, seemed like a big possibility. I had double vision for several days that made it very hard to read. Why bother checking out my computer, since I had already had difficulty remembering how to use Facebook on my cell phone. I made additional financial commitments on my blog to confirm, that I would not quit. And I ordered a new sewing machine and some fabric to convince myself that I would continue to quilt. I am at least two more months of recovery away from riding my bicycle, but I have been looking for a helmet and lock. We have a few vacations planned for 2020. I think we will be able to go on all of them. If God has it in His plans for my future, I will do everything in my power to succeed in all my retirement plans.
Where do we go next on this journey?
At my two month appointment next week, with my surgeon, we will see how my hearing is doing. I have an appointment with my audiologist today to have my hearing tested. I will know the results after my appointment, and I’m not expecting to have much if any hearing in my left ear. If there isn’t much improvement my surgeon and I may be talking about another surgery. I don’t want another surgery, even though I believe it will be less traumatic this time. I will need some convincing that it will be worth it.
To do it over, would I have changed anything? No. During surgery, they found that my hearing nerve was not dead as expected. That means more of a chance of gaining back some of my hearing. Had I taken the option to wait and see how fast it was growing, I might have missed that opportunity.
As my journey continues…
I continue to trust God in everything, even though once in a while I feel like I don’t have the patience to continue improving at such a slow rate. I didn’t sign up for this journey I am now on, but in the end, God has a reason for everything in my life. The good and the not quite so good. I can’t pick what I want. And why would I want to, when God knows the future. Will I end up back to normal? Likely I won’t from a medical standpoint. Only God knows everything that lies ahead for me. And I trust that it is good.
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