Two years ago my husband and I had moved closer to my mother so that I would be available to take her to the hospital or check on her when she wasn’t responding to phone calls and texts. Her second husband had died two years prior and her health was declining. Being closer, allowed me to check on her when one of my siblings or I, noticed she wasn’t answering her phone. She refused to go to the hospital by ambulance, so I had taken her several times. My being close was important.

When my father died it was unexpected because he had cancer and the doctor gave us a timeline, that gave us hope. Yet, his first week of chemo he died on Saturday. Not the 6 weeks the doctor had predicted without chemo, nor the 6 months possible if he had chemo. Doctors make an educated guess, but they don’t know for sure.

My mom was still alive and home with him when he died. We didn’t expect any problems with our mom living alone. She seemed to be very healthy. Eventually, my mom re-married. In November 2020, four years after her second husband died, I received a call from one of my sisters that our mom was not answering her phone.

Be prepared for the unexpected

When I went to check on my mom, I was so sure that she would be fine, however, I might have to search for her. Each of us girls had a key to her house in case she was not home and we needed to get in. Or in case of emergency. We lived from 5 minutes to 1 1/2 hours away.

Other times that I had checked on her, I found her in the back yard or in her house unaware that her phone was dead or she left it in her car. Those times it would have been handy to have a phone number of a neighbor, who had a key, so I could call them and ask them to check on her. However, when I found her unresponsive, I would not have wanted a neighbor to find her.

Prepare before the emergency hits

If you have an elderly parent that is still living at home, on their own, it may be time to make a plan. Your parent may be determined to stay independent. You may need to gather a few siblings together to gently talk to mom or dad. Let them know that this is just in case and is more for your peace of mind than theirs. Depending on your parent you may have to ease into one item at a time.

Make duplicate keys

Each of your siblings or possibly your parent’s siblings should have a key to the house. The keys should be for emergency use only. If there is a trusted neighbor or two have a talk with them and see if they would be willing to give you their phone number and keep a key on hand. This way if your parent calls for help, like a fall, you can have the neighbor check on him/her. They could call 911 if necessary and let you know what the problem is if there is one. Keep your key with you always, so if you aren’t home and you get a call to bring him/her to the hospital or to check on him/her, you don’t have to go home for the key first.

Defibrillator

This seems extreme, but when I called 911 for my mom, the emergency operator asked me if I had access to one. If your parent is at risk for a heart attack get a defibrillator in the house for emergency use, if possible.

Go to your parent’s doctor appointments

The best way to know the extent of any medical problems is to go with your parent for all regular doctor appointments. This will also give you an opportunity to ask questions. My sister and I went with our mom twice. After that she never let us know when her appointments were. I wish we had been more insistent because there was something going on, but we didn’t know what it was or the severity of it. Her standard answer to any health questions was “I’m fine.”

Know where all phones in the house are located if your parent has a landline

My mom’s only phone was her cell phone and it was in the bathroom being charged when I found her there. If her cell phone had not been nearby, I would have had a hard time finding it. Always have your own cell phone with you, too. My mother also had a password on her phone which would have flustered me had I tried to use it because I didn’t know the password. I believe all cell phones will work to call 911, even without using the password.

Know the address of your parent’s home

It sounds simple, but I knew exactly where my mom lived, so I never learned what her address was. So when the 911 operator asked, I had to go outside the house to find it.

Consider getting an in-home security camera

This way if a parent falls you can call a neighbor to check on them, or drive there yourself. My husband and I have keys to my 90+ neighbor’s home since her family lives almost two hours away. They have camera’s in her home in the family room, kitchen, and bedroom. They can call us any time of day and we will go next door and check on her.

Look for trip or slip hazards

Remove any trip hazards in the home, especially rugs that slide. Buy non-slip pads for any rug that is not otherwise attached to the floor. Be sure all showers or bathtubs have a grip mat at the bottom so that your parent doesn’t slip. Bathroom assist bars near the toilet and in the shower/bathtub are also helpful in possibly preventing a fall.

Hire extra help

Hire someone to come in the home for a few hours a day or have a family member come by regularly. This would be more for a health check since the likelihood of them being there at exactly the right time for an injury is slim. Also, consider hiring someone to do the lawn and clean the house.

Prevent an accidental fire or gas leak

If he/she has a working stove, but can’t be trusted with using it safely, unplug it. Also, be sure all smoke alarms in the house are working. There should also be a working carbon monoxide detector.

Buy your parent an instant alarm

Another device that would be useful, if your parent will use it, would be a necklace or watch that can be used as an emergency contact. My mom had her iPhone set up to call me if she fell down and didn’t get up. My theory is she didn’t have it set up correctly or because she was sitting on a bench, it didn’t alert me.

The necklaces that are advertised on TV will contact emergency services and dispatch them to check on your parent. One thing about having the fire department, police, and/or ambulance show up to the door, is they have no key, but in an emergency, they will knock down your door or break a window to get in, if needed. If a neighbor has a key and they are home, they can possibly open the door for emergency workers.

Know where important paperwork is located

If your parent needs to go to the hospital you will need their insurance card and ID. Also the name of his/her primary care doctor. It may be necessary to have forms including a Do Not Resuscitate, Medical power of attorney, etc. Find out now if your parent has these forms prepared and where these are kept. If they have not had the forms created, that should be on the top of your to-do list to get them created. Finding their paperwork under pressure can be very difficult.

Finding my mom

I got the call that neither of my sisters were able to reach my mom. I had gone to her house the week before to check on her and I thought she seemed her normal self, not extremely healthy but not worse than normal. It was a Wednesday evening and I was confident that as usual, she would be fine, maybe her phone died or was off. My husband asked if he wanted me to come, but I said things would be fine.

Pulling up to her house the first thing I noticed was her house was dark. It was possible she had driven to the store. I let myself in and called out “mom” as I walked room by room. I got to her bedroom and flipped on the light switch. Nothing happened. So I walked a few steps to her on-suite bathroom. That’s when I realized the light was on in the bathroom, yet she didn’t respond to my calling. I opened the door to get some light into the bedroom so I could find her if she was in bed. But my mom was sitting on a bench in her bathroom. I checked her pulse and called 911.

My first 911 experience

Calling 911 was an automatic response. The operator had asked me if there was a defibrillator on site. No. Had I been there a day earlier it might have come in handy. She had had strokes in the past, but not a heart attack. The woman that answered tried to get me to try to resuscitate my mom, but I continued to tell her my mom was dead. I know it is an emergency personnel’s job to try to rescue my mom, but it was too late. I stayed on the phone until the fire department and ambulance arrived.

My mom had been dead most likely for over 24 hours. There was nothing I could do. After the ambulance and fire department staff arrived I called my husband and sister. None of us could believe it. Honestly, I was sure she would live another five years at least.

Have your own plan

As you age, you get closer and closer to the possibility of having a serious accident or dying in your home. Have you set up a plan for when you are having a stroke or have taken a bad fall? It might be time to start thinking about that. My children live a long distance from my home. However, I have a sister and in-laws that are close by. And at this time my husband is still living and is very active.

Don’t wait a few more years before you set up your own plan. Emergencies are not predictable. Right now the highest importance is for an elderly parent who lives alone in their own home. Once you are prepared for their possible emergency, it’s time to work on your plan. Are you ready for the 911 call you hope you never have to make? Comment below on any plans you have made. Is there something I haven’t thought of yet? I would love to hear it.